From§Each

Classifieds

38 notices posted. New ads run as the news does; the shelf only grows.

HELP WANTED

☞ HELP WANTEDAnkle monitor removal technician for ICEPosition pays in empty desks; applicants must not ask questions about paperwork.
☞ HELP WANTEDFDA food inspectors, all shifts. Bring your own magnifying glass.Check the popsicles for glass.
☞ HELP WANTEDLibrarians, to unshelve 22,810 books across 451 districts.Start with the one about banning books.
☞ HELP WANTEDCrypto cops, recently disbanded. Reapply after the family bank clears.Bring your own handcuffs; we sold ours.

FOR SALE

☞ FOR SALESan Francisco mansion, only sold to AI millionairesEviction notice included at no extra charge.
☞ FOR SALEMultimillion-dollar insurance trades on college football outcomesComes with matching coach’s bonus and guaranteed premium.
☞ FOR SALEOne White House ballroom, $600 million, half already on your tab."Donor-funded." See the fine print.
☞ FOR SALEMilitary parade, gently used, one afternoon. $45 million, plus $16 million in street repair.Six in ten said don't. We did.
☞ FOR SALEFrontier AI, government price: one dollar.The first one's free. You know what we call that.
☞ FOR SALEEight straight failed Pentagon audits, one careful owner.Payment plan: another budget increase.
☞ FOR SALEReflecting Pool, painted flag-blue, now algae-green, $14 million.Drains sold separately, repeatedly.
☞ FOR SALEFiftieth consecutive year of deficit panic, lightly used in Democratic administrations only.Free with any tax cut.
☞ FOR SALEFourth of July, $5.4 million as observed.Freedom included; terms apply.
☞ FOR SALEHummer H2. Runs great. Parked anyway.I can't afford the fucking gas.
☞ FOR SALEChest freezer, never opened. Bought during the egg thing.Eggs came down. My planning did not.

FREE

☞ FREETrans-Atlantic tariff, 50%, to a good home. Applied to Canada at midnight, paused by two a.m.Comes and goes. That's the deal.

WANTED

☞ WANTEDResolution templates for House censure votesMust withstand repeated use. Bulk discounts preferred.
☞ WANTEDFunds for New York counterterrorism programBudget slashed; must be replaced. Payment in gas discounts, not security.
☞ WANTEDCovert ballot tossing system operator for USPSMust be able to discard millions of ballots without leaving a paper trail.
☞ WANTED11,780 votes, Georgia only. Fresh or aged, no questions asked.Reward: one pardon, gently used.
☞ WANTEDSeat-fillers, Constitution Avenue, folding chairs provided.The tanks ran forty-five million; the crowd was extra.
☞ WANTEDThoughts and prayers, in bulk. Standing order, restocked after each.Gun control preferred, but that's out of reach.
☞ WANTEDMental health care, to blame for the guns.Funded by no one. Apply to SAMHSA, currently closed.
☞ WANTEDA war that ends in twenty-four hours. Have attempted fifty-three times.Will keep the promise, not the peace.
☞ WANTEDSomeone to define "groceries." Old-fashioned word.It's a bag with different things in it, apparently.
☞ WANTEDAn ally, any ally, willing to be billed for a war it refused.Missiles preferred over friends. Ask about our love letters.

SERVICES

☞ SERVICESSpin available. Defends the indefensible, denies he said it, corrects himself mid-sentence.Ask for Chip. He never said that.

LOST

☞ LOSTThe East Wing. Last seen April, near a bulldozer.If found, do not return. He's redecorating.
☞ LOSTMeasles, eliminated in the year 2000, since recovered.Reward for its re-loss. Ask a kindergarten.
☞ LOST$1.17 billion in Secret Service funds. Last seen heading toward a ballroom.Finder's fee negotiable, out of your taxes.
☞ LOSTThe starter home. Median new owner now 40 years old.If found, please hold it another fifteen years.

FOUND

☞ FOUND299 mass shootings, year to date, and counting.Owner not looking. Thoughts and prayers enclosed.
☞ FOUND35 unpermitted gas turbines, running in a Black neighborhood in Memphis.Cancer risk four times normal. No reward offered.

PERSONALS

☞ PERSONALSDeficit hawk, dormant eight years, seeks sudden urgency. Reappears only when someone proposes feeding children.No tax cut too large to overlook.
☞ PERSONALSGoverning party seeks a spine, any condition, willing to relocate to Washington.Discretion assured. You'll need it.
☞ PERSONALSOil company, subsidized, seeks a foreign market and a US-only handout, both at once.No commitment. Won't call after.
☞ PERSONALSLate-stage empire seeks vaccine, healthcare, functioning food inspection. Third-world symptoms, first-world zip code.Headed the wrong way, but hopeful.
☞ PERSONALSDevoted professional, DC. Seeks nothing — the position is filled. "You are all that matters to me."Brings her own printer. Signed, with all my heart.