Page G4From§Each9 November 2026
The Peanut Gallery
The picture is real and credited. The balloon is what the person in it would say about themselves, standing there — the cartoon’s line, never a quote, absurd on its face. The cast keeps every balloon; Mel, Dez keep the rest.
Public Comment
four lines at the mic · Dez · 7 October
Suspected pneumonic plague in Siberia. The president scheduled a call, very soon.
They're calling it willing to help.
My block's clinic closed in March; here help is a phone call between two men about a third country.
No cause for alarm — the plague is willing to help too, and it already has your zip code.
Soft opening.
— Mel
'I am not running for president,' Attorney General Todd Blanche says at Iowa State Fair · 7 Oct
On the pod today, a Huracán, registered in Montana. It disagrees with me. Candidly, it's right — I'm registering California there too.
— Gavin Newsom · the fold
Gavin Newsom closes ‘Montana-loophole’ as damning texts reveal what luxe car buyers saved on taxes · 7 Oct
Ohio called me. Wanted it badly. I said two weeks — we'll see — and the podium threw in Nebraska, free, closing Tuesday.
— Donald Trump · the fold
‘It’s Pink’: Inside The GOP’s Fight To Hold Trump Country In The Midterms · 7 Oct
I grade the hat first, the weather second, Tennessee third — I ranked them myself at the airport, in order, out loud. Clarksville's unbeatable.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Prime Time had to get paid so these young men never have to. I own the spotlight now; they may stand in it, free, Tuesdays.
Deion Sanders created Prime Time so he could get paid. Why deny college athletes the same chance? · 7 Oct
Boys: registration forms are racked in the weight room. You sign between sets. I won't say for whom — I'll just be in the mirror, nodding.
— Pete Hegseth · the fold
Hegseth's get-out-the-vote effort draws praise and skepticism · 7 Oct
Curbside pickup.
— Mel
Trump: US 'had a threat' that led to withdrawal of bombers at RAF Fairford · 7 Oct
Look. The establishment failed. Also it's the finest thing we built. Since 2017 I've lived in the middle distance; they forward my mail there.
— Barack Obama · the fold
Let me be clear: the applause accused me of nothing. I rebutted it, citing myself twice. That rebuttal is the advice Ken's getting. Episode Thursday.
In 2016 I said America does not take other people's islands. I've grown. America takes other people's islands — and Iceland is four of them.
— Marco Rubio · the fold
Rubio begins three-nation NATO tour in Iceland, which is wary of Trump’s Arctic intentions · 7 Oct
Hood ornament.
— Mel
Trump is Xi’s shield. The midterm elections are about to shatter it · 7 Oct
Look — four hundred million for Alaska's grid. A Middletown family heats their house with one bulb. I've folded my hands: I oppose their lamp.
Vance announces $400 million investment in Alaska’s grid during visit to boost Dan Sullivan · 7 Oct
Hold music.
— Mel
Thune: ‘No clear path forward’ on permanent daylight savings time legislation · 7 Oct
Jumper cables.
— Mel
Obama to campaign with El-Sayed and Benson in Michigan · 6 Oct
As a physician, I've examined the rally — elevated crowd, irregular surrogates. Finding: Michigan presents with groceries. Prescription: two Obamas, one Mamdani, taken with milk.
El Sayed announces campaign stops with Obama, AOC, and Mamdani · 6 Oct
Lithuania — central casting. Forty share on the handshake alone. The base reads beautifully. Latvia, Estonia, low-energy — we're recasting both before the second season.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump says he will 'certainly look at' establishing US military base in Lithuania · 6 Oct
Hypothesis: the panel was the illness. I fired it, drank the creek, and screened myself for everything by Tuesday. Finding: America needs two scoops, mornings.
— Robert F. Kennedy Jr. · the fold
Senators demand answers from RFK Jr on task force overhaul · 6 Oct
Warfighters: I'm taking one star in five. Not the men — the stars. Lighter shoulders, heavier bench. I'll see you at 0500, four sets of eight.
— Pete Hegseth · the fold
GOP senators, blindsided by Hegseth, demand notice, transparency · 6 Oct
Greatest driveway on earth. I measure it in reporters — sixty wide. We took three out; still sixty. The driveway ranks above the Rose Garden.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Politico barred from Air Force One as judge weighs Trump’s media ban · 6 Oct
Balloon payment.
— Mel
Brazil Election Could Give Bolsonaro a Key Role in Trump’s Latin America Map · 6 Oct
Walk with me — the cranes. One point two billion, a billionaire pays, and three hundred thirty-five comrades have co-sponsored my shoes. Cut here.
Mamdani’s DSA allies side with NYC public housing residents over mayor in heated standoff: sources · 6 Oct
Kidney.
— Mel
Vanity Fair's 'new establishment' list names Vance as Trump 'heir' and Rubio as 'spare' · 6 Oct
Beautiful arena. Terrible ceiling — we're raising it forty feet, gold, by Thursday. Four states in five days; I'm re-roofing three. Done before November.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump Hits 4 States in 5 Days in Final Push to November Midterms · 6 Oct
Big strong guy, San Diego, tears in his eyes — sir, he says, take my city, I'll pay the difference at the pump. Strong guy. Sobbed.
— Donald Trump · the fold
California leaders hit back after Trump says Iran can 'take out' LA and San Diego · 6 Oct
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Ladies and gentlemen: Exhibit A — two hundred seventy-three pages about parents. I weighed it. Four pounds of common sense. I rest.
— Todd Blanche · the fold
Author photo.
— Mel
I grade every county myself, Sunday nights, on a legal pad. Maricopa finishes last. Below last. There's no category below last — we built one.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump criticizes election officials in Arizona’s Maricopa County over error · 6 Oct
They made me pay for my own commercials. Myself. Nobody's ever had to buy their own compliments. The music alone was thirty dollars.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump says he will stop using taxpayer funds for ads after bipartisan pushback · 6 Oct
Screen test.
— Mel
dude i am the tiebreaker, personally, 49 to 50. the hoodie votes with the republicans, the shorts abstained, i just carry them in
Fetterman Joins GOP to Block Iran War Powers Resolution — Again · 5 Oct
I'm cutting the ribbon on this investigation today — giant scissors, Buffalo, four hundred jobs. We'll cut the same ribbon again before November.
— Kathy Hochul · the fold
Kathy Hochul, Tish James rush to exploit ‘Cornell 7’ — justice be damned · 4 Oct
Medicare came to me, hat in hand, wanted the ninety. I countered at ninety. Two weeks, we signed — I think they blinked first.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump to give $90 one-time payment to 20 million Medicare beneficiaries · 4 Oct
Last call.
— Mel
Open house.
— Mel
Mamdani’s definition of socialism sounds like state-controlled ‘totalitarianism’: critics · 4 Oct
This microphone called me insecure. I rebutted it for forty minutes. It conceded. The transcript cites me twice — full episode drops Thursday, chapter two.
Ted Cruz blasts JD Vance as ‘insecure,’ says he’s focused on helping GOP win midterms · 4 Oct
Look. Posting the anniversary photo felt performative. Not posting it also felt performative. We split the difference, convened four staff, and published a comma. Folks.
— Barack Obama · the fold
Barack and Michelle Obama gush over each other on 34th anniversary after battling divorce rumors · 4 Oct
Fourteen hundred laid off the week I'm in Dayton — they time it. No president's been scheduled against worse. The gate's chained; I enter sideways.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Ohio truck factory lays off 1,400 days before Trump midterm rally in the area · 4 Oct
So we're in New York for Bruce, two seats, and — the Erie Canal. Mules pulled the boats. You can't get a mule in an elevator.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump’s Upstate NY trip to help Blakeman is play to save Republican House seats · 4 Oct
Forty years I've been doing this. I don't care that your district's nervous — van's idling, bring the whole conference, I'm measuring them for vests myself.
Screen test.
— Mel
Hegseth announces all US troops will get 1 day off to vote in October · 3 Oct
Sponsor wall.
— Mel
Ted Cruz slams Tucker Carlson for World War II comments · 3 Oct
Welcome back, Mr. President. I'll be candid — twenty-five percent of every detention dollar comes to me now. That makes us partners. You were right.
— Gavin Newsom · the fold
Newsom slaps 25% tax on private detention centers in sweeping pushback against key Trump policy · 3 Oct
Vladimir's a great guy. Jared walked the refinery. The war's a sublease now — eleven floors, oil stays with the building, we move everybody in Tuesday.
U.S.-Russia Talks on Ukraine Now Involve an Oil Deal Tied to Trump Allies · 3 Oct
Screen test.
— Mel
Eye-opening Gavin Newsom poll reveals ticking time bomb in his presidential prospects · 3 Oct
Dear senators who ran on removing me: outrageous. I demand a reply by Tuesday. Letter's sent, letter's framed. P.S. I scheduled your swearing-in myself.
Schumer vies for the Senate majority with a looming leadership headache · 3 Oct
Chapter nine: the seal. Chapter ten: the door. The Most Wanted list's an appendix I had nothing to do with, page 212. Signing Thursday.
— Kash Patel · the fold
We're walking — that's Ireland, six counties short. Thirty-two counties, fare-free, billed to the landlords. The Irish decide, obviously. Cut it here.
Up to Irish to decide answer to '26 plus 6', says Mamdani · 3 Oct
We've signed the halftime show, both anthems, and the silence between. Favorability's a roster problem. Six rings. America's fixed by Thursday.
— Robert Kraft · the fold
From Robert Kraft to Netanyahu, Israel’s supporters keep helping its critics · 3 Oct
Today I filed suit against this ovation: one count, Northern District of Texas. It stopped at ten. I'm praying for relief of twenty, and costs.
— Ken Paxton · the fold
Ken Paxton’s Christian identity politics obscure a history of scandal · 3 Oct
This pool gets a four share. Low-energy, wrong wardrobe. We're recasting the whole press corps Thursday — new coats, a theme song, two can stay.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump will hit several deep-red states in October campaign blitz · 3 Oct
Greatest flags ever waved. I measured one — eleven stripes, I counted twice. The hats rank second all-time. Nobody ranks hats. I rank hats.
— Donald Trump · the fold
‘These guys are in a pickle’: Some Republicans spurn Trump on the campaign trail · 3 Oct
Timeshare pitch.
— Mel
Live updates: Trump brings red state blitz to Alabama; Vance plans Alaska campaign trip · 2 Oct
In 862 Rurik posted the first warning. I have read it aloud to NATO every century since, in order. Today we reached Kaliningrad.
Putin’s Kaliningrad threat is a bluff — and a nuclear trap · 2 Oct
Brazil — tremendous square footage. The supreme court's taking up the whole second floor. We're gutting it, putting in marble, nineteen courtrooms, done by Thanksgiving.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Brazil attorney general says meddling ‘cannot be tolerated’ after Trump funding plans revealed · 2 Oct
Big guy, enormous, tears coming down — comes up to me, sir, he says, ask yourself a positive question. So now I interview myself Tuesdays.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump slams Time staff during interview for not asking 'one f‑‑‑ing positive question' · 2 Oct
I've held this fist up since 1981. The number inside it has been corrected upward four times — six — without lowering the fist.
A Decade of Bernie Sanders’s Transformation of America · 2 Oct
We resolve unanimously: the carpet, the fireplace, the chair to my left — always ours. Comrade Xi, whom we follow, sets the furniture's return for 2125.
— Xi Jinping · the fold
Taiwan denounces Xi's comments to Trump in Washington · 2 Oct
Y'all, I'm walking and cooking — Pennsylvania's in the pan, softening. Michigan goes in at the crosswalk. Chat, you're calling Wisconsin.
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez · the fold
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s policies ‘do not jibe’ with swing states: Joe Concha · 2 Oct
Diorama.
— Mel
‘Ready to Blow His Stack’: How Biden Nearly Cut Off Netanyahu Over Gaza · 2 Oct
My guest today is the word "superintelligence." I'm not naive — it's a strong word. We talked. It goes by Gary now, and we hugged.
— Gavin Newsom · the fold
California Gov. Gavin Newsom signs laws to protect workers from AI risks · 2 Oct
In 2016 I said no serious country annexes an island to a show tune. I've grown. Serious countries annex islands to show tunes.
— Marco Rubio · the fold
'Send in the Clowns': Viral video fuels claims Denmark trolled Trump and Rubio · 1 Oct
Lockout.
— Mel
Mark Carney Is Taking Aim at Canada’s Labor Movement · 1 Oct
They order the sky gray before I land. The other fellows get blue. I requested blue in writing — no president has been treated like this.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Open mic.
— Mel
Paxton misses Vance rally; will stump with Trump on Thursday · 1 Oct
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Listen up, professors. Western civilization weighs forty-five pounds a volume and I'm issuing it. You'll carry Plato to failure. Mirror's by the quad.
— Pete Hegseth · the fold
Look — empty seat up front. In Middletown, a family I've never met keeps a chair empty too. They should stop. I've written them about it.
Two and a half million in ads, priced in sats, confirmed on-chain every ten minutes. That's a public service, folks. I never sell.
GOP Senator Cynthia Lummis Blocks Toothless Resolution Denouncing Trump’s Taxpayer-Funded Ads · 1 Oct
Dry week on the floor. I've scheduled rain Wednesday over three counties — Ohio, Nebraska, Alaska. We'll see where it lands. Everybody else watches the radar.
— John Thune · the fold
Thune seeks lifeline for 3 embattled Senate GOP incumbents · 1 Oct
Curbside pickup.
— Mel
Trump finds close ally in Nvidia’s Huang at key AI juncture · 1 Oct
I grade every hour of television myself, by hand. Fox — greatest network ever built, ranked ninth. Nobody's ever measured an hour. I measured it.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump says 'MAGA and REAL Patriots' will never like Fox News over hosting Democrats · 1 Oct
Ladies and gentlemen — ten ballots, blown up to six feet apiece. I've had the easels sworn in. Common sense is my witness. I rest.
— Todd Blanche · the fold
Blanche announces charges against 10 permanent residents accused of Minnesota voter fraud · 1 Oct
Dear Server Farm: I write demanding you lower Long Island's electric bills by Friday. I will fight. P.S. — I voted no Tuesday. Chart enclosed.
Chuck Schumer, Senate Dems block bill to address AI data center costs · 1 Oct
Timeshare pitch.
— Mel
Beautiful commercial break. Thirty seconds, low ceilings. We're gutting it — four minutes, marble, the disclaimer in brass at eleven feet. Opens Thanksgiving.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Pro-Trump TV ads paid for with Customs and Border Protection money, official says · 1 Oct
The super intelligence called me. Wanted to regulate itself, badly. I said two weeks, no paperwork. We'll see — I could've had the lunch thrown in.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump calls for ‘tremendous self-regulation’ of AI at lunch with billionaire tech titans · 1 Oct
Screen test.
— Mel
Former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem files for divorce, court docs show · 30 Sep
I imaged my own vaccine position overnight. Completely benign. The senators may read the films themselves — I've hung them in the hallway, lit.
Trump surgeon general pick advances in Senate after year of vaccine feuds · 30 Sep
Test screening.
— Mel
Paxton says Trump’s midterm convention dragged GOP numbers down in leaked audio · 30 Sep
Huge guy, forearms like a windmill, crying, comes up to me — sir, my grandfather filed the application. Three generations, one permit. He wept.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Biden paused oil, Trump stalled wind. Our crisis has no party · 30 Sep
Defendant: the convention. Count one — it took four points off me. Court: Tarrant County. Prayer for relief: hold it again, backwards, until the points return.
— Ken Paxton · the fold
Paxton: Trump GOP midterm convention 'dropped our numbers' · 30 Sep
For forty years — forty-six years — I have said the billionaire class owns Florida. Twenty-three million to Angie. Twenty-seven. Thirty-one by the time I sit down.
I ordered it aloud from the bench; the planes went anyway. So today I order the runway itself to show cause, by Thursday, in person.
DC Circuit grapples with allowing Boasberg to continue contempt inquiry into Trump officials · 30 Sep
In 2016 I said Cuba will never fall. I've grown. Cuba has already fallen — twice before lunch, and I have the pin to prove it.
— Marco Rubio · the fold
Rubio says Cuba has 'already fallen': 'It is a failed state' · 30 Sep
Séance.
— Mel
Incident at US air base in UK involved foreign state, Rubio says · 30 Sep
Tonight, my economy: beer half, gas half, rent half. I ran the numbers on a napkin during the break. The napkin balanced. Back in two.
Watters: Trump should just say 'half-off beer if you vote Republican' · 30 Sep
Pete — central casting. The jaw, you can't teach that. The election memo did a forty share. The foreign hackers? Low-energy. We're recasting them.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Hegseth mobilizes Pentagon to protect midterm elections from foreign threats · 30 Sep
On the pod: the grocer who hates my ban. Candidly, he's right. So every vape plugs into the wall — state cord included. Outro: he's convinced.
— Gavin Newsom · the fold
Newsom signs California law banning sales of single-use, battery-powered vapes · 30 Sep
Downline.
— Mel
Vance, RFK Jr., Mike Tyson to speak at MAHA Summit in DC · 30 Sep
Warfighters, the servers lift with us. I've ordered every firewall to bench its bodyweight. Cyber's a muscle. Four sets of twelve. Mirror's in the SCIF.
— Pete Hegseth · the fold
Hegseth instructs Pentagon to defend 2026 elections from ‘foreign actors’ · 30 Sep
So we're doing the thirty-five countries, the planes, and — shower heads. I personally fixed nine million. Water like Niagara. That's the real story here.
— Donald Trump · the fold
UN Experts Demand End to Trump's Third-Country Deportations · 30 Sep
My blazer: Department issue. My horse has a credential. A two-hundred-twenty-million-dollar ad campaign, and you changed the channel — at the direction of the president.
— Kristi Noem · the fold
Kristi Noem files for divorce from husband Bryon after ‘irreconcilable differences’ · 29 Sep
I'm walking. That tower? Second homes. Seventeen thousand notices, priced at zero, billed to Steve Wynn. Cut here — the judge is a different video.
Comment card.
— Mel
GOP lawmakers challenge Trump’s nearly $1B funding clawback · 29 Sep
The grid called me. Wanted it badly. I said give me your best pole, they sent a better one. The wires want in — different deal.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump created an energy crisis — states can help fix it · 29 Sep
Tip jar.
— Mel
Mamdani allies hosting fundraiser for Dem Senate hopefuls James Talarico, Sherrod Brown · 29 Sep
As a physician, I've read this football's chart. Ligaments fine, ethics inflamed. I'm prescribing two laterals and a cheaper dozen eggs.
El-Sayed questions ethics of football in resurfaced audio · 29 Sep
Today I sued a data center in Travis County. One count: proximity. Prayer for relief — it moves one house down and drinks moderately.
— Ken Paxton · the fold
Paxton frames himself as centrist on data centers: ‘Yes, with conditions’ · 29 Sep
They made me announce the biggest steel plant standing up. Standing. No president's been treated worse — and the beam, they engraved my name in lowercase.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump to announce largest steel plant in American history to be built in Iowa · 29 Sep
Ladies and gentlemen, my exhibit is this plaque. Bronze. Bronze has never written a prescription in its life. Common sense. I rest before lunch.
— Todd Blanche · the fold
Trump administration asks Supreme Court to OK transgender inmate policy · 29 Sep
I have said this exact sentence since 1981: a thousand machines — seventy thousand — nine hundred million — now own the top one percent.
Bernie Sanders on Why Superintelligent AI Is an Existential Threat That Needs To Be Banned · 29 Sep
Test drive.
— Mel
Assessment: the neighbour remains volatile. Outlook: I'm holding my elbows at twenty-five basis points, unchanged through spring. One member dissented — my other elbow.
— Mark Carney · the fold
Mark Carney Interview: Canada’s Leader Lays Out Vision for Breaking Reliance on U.S. · 29 Sep
Ads blew in off the plains overnight. I don't steer weather. Two inches of taxpayer money on the wheat, no vote in the forecast.
— John Thune · the fold
Thune: Ads promoting Trump political message 'shouldn’t be paid for by taxpayer dollars' · 29 Sep
Doorbell camera.
— Mel
Mamdani’s taxpayer-funded troll farm plots new smear campaign against NY CEOs · 29 Sep
Big strong farmer, hands like anvils, comes up to me — sir, he says, come to Alabama anyway, nothing's wrong here. Wept. I'm going Friday.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump will hit several deep-red states in October campaign blitz · 29 Sep
I write separately to note: originally understood, an oath binds only where a friend has supplied the Bible, the motorcoach, and the ocean.
The legacy of Clarence Thomas will be declining trust in the Supreme Court · 28 Sep
The Department can confirm I'm the nominee. I briefed myself this morning, asked myself two follow-ups, and declined to answer both. Next question — mine.
— Sean Parnell · the fold
Senators spurn Hegseth's pick amid jockeying for Army secretary nomination · 28 Sep
Bouncer.
— Mel
Blanche addresses White House press ban, calls access 'a privilege ... not a right' · 28 Sep
Look at the steel guy — central casting. The other one, low-energy, we're recasting the mine. Iowa's doing a fifty-one share; the ore auditioned twice.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Greatest pool in the history of water. I measured the briefing room myself — forty-nine seats, zero laps. Nobody's ever measured a press room.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump muses about converting White House press room into indoor pool · 28 Sep
Petri aisle.
— Mel
Democrats blame RFK Jr. for food outbreaks and recalls. Experts say it’s more complicated · 28 Sep
In 862 they invited Rurik. No one ran against him either. Eleven centuries, one ballot, uninterrupted — I have the dates. Yesterday I won again.
Putin claims a landslide, but he can’t hide the smoke over Moscow · 28 Sep
Forty-seven hours of questions — the questions called me. They want more. I said we'll see. They'll be back by Tuesday, begging, and I'll listen.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Show up or shut up: How 351 hours of Trump exposed the media’s Biden cover-up · 28 Sep
May it please the Court. I file at midnight — emergency. Question presented: whether a Band-Aid is elective surgery. Relief requested before Thursday.
Trump asks Supreme Court to let him end transgender surgeries for prison inmates · 28 Sep
Dear public: I read all forty thousand comments before breakfast, in order, and they agreed. Consultation is closed. It reopens once the arch is up.
Preservation Group 'Gobsmacked' as Trump Admin Dismisses Public Concern Over Triumphal Arch · 28 Sep
Open mic.
— Mel
I have here the hall. I've drawn the red line across row nine — everyone behind it is ninety-four percent. I read that off the marker.
Pawn ticket.
— Mel
I poll both sides on this phone before I say the word character. Mine's on the houseboat, in a drawer, unasked for since 2021.
— Joe Manchin · the fold
Manchin: 'If character means anything, you can't vote for Ken Paxton' · 27 Sep
Today I'm cutting the ribbon on an amendment — eight hundred sixty-six million. The scissors weren't bid either. Buffalo. We cut the same ribbon again Thursday.
— Kathy Hochul · the fold
How Kathy Hochul’s admin handed firm a $1B Medicaid contract without competitive bidding · 27 Sep
I'm long the last fifteen million barrels at 6.25, short the calendar itself. Two weeks. Terminal bros can have the other side of my clock.
Bessent says Iran will have 'nothing left to trade' within two weeks as oil lifeline dries up · 27 Sep
Retainer.
— Mel
Wedding reception for ex-Trump official Alina Habba and Turkish billionaire begins at posh NYC hotel · 27 Sep
Parking brake.
— Mel
Heroine or Public Enemy? The Israeli Blocking Much of Netanyahu’s Agenda. · 27 Sep
Joining me: the consultant hired to end me in 2028. I'll be candid — he's right. Four hours of tape. He's living at my house now.
— Gavin Newsom · the fold
The GOP has a Vance-Rubio problem. The solution? Preemptively nuke Gavin Newsom · 27 Sep
Ladies and gentlemen — Exhibit A: my finger. The laws we have are plenty. I point at the server, common sense does the rest.
— Todd Blanche · the fold
AG Blanche rejects calls for new AI laws after rogue agents target US government websites · 27 Sep
Tailpipe.
— Mel
Trump says he ended Biden electric vehicle rule, updated fuel economy standards · 27 Sep
A hundred thousand a visa, and they crop me at the wrist. Everyone else gets a face. No president has ever been cropped like this.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Nonimmigrant visas in flux due to Trump administration fees · 27 Sep
Walk with me — see that snowdrift? Should be free. A hedge fund owns it. The city buys the entire storm Tuesday. Cut right there.
‘SNL’ roasts Mayor Zohran Mamdani with ‘urgent message’ for New Yorkers during nor’easter · 27 Sep
Auction paddle.
— Mel
Trump turns on Rep. Salazar following report Miami Republicans rejected immigration advertisement · 27 Sep
Split screen. My half's doing a sixty-two share. Hers — green, no ratings. Nine justices, central casting on four. We're recasting the case.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump revives Supreme Court immigration showdown after Hochul pardon torpedoed first case · 26 Sep
The Committee judges I am independent. The Committee notes the phone. We remain vigilant; I'm answering it. The rate is whatever the caller enjoys.
— Kevin Warsh · the fold
Warsh's credibility rises on Wall Street as Bessent's slips · 26 Sep
texting you from the subway: i'm the fiftieth vote on the war and the only one in a hoodie. not complicated. the shorts voted first.
'Never Fails to Disappoint': Fetterman Joins GOP to Keep Trump's Iran War Going · 26 Sep
Turnstile.
— Mel
Trump scores Supreme Court win in election integrity fight as states gain new voter roll tool · 26 Sep
We're pulling the staircase — dead square footage — and putting a second Grand Foyer above this one. Two foyers. Marble. Done before dessert.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Dining With A.I. Moguls, Billionaires and Xi Jinping, Trump Went Off Script · 26 Sep
Prom photo.
— Mel
Trump Hosts China's Xi Jinping at White House State Dinner · 26 Sep
The news came to me. Begged. It wants to be real news so badly — we're doing a deal, and I couldn't tell you one term.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump trolls reporter: I don’t want fake news ‘like you’ · 26 Sep
Custody exchange.
— Mel
I voted for Trump and RFK Jr. to clean up our food. This FDA nominee threatens that promise · 26 Sep
As a physician, I've examined this microphone. Pupils fine, no fever. The finding: it has never priced a dozen eggs. Prescription — groceries, twice daily.
What Does Abdul El-Sayed Believe? · 26 Sep
Dry season for challengers. I planted the whip count in March; nothing came up. My members forecast rain after November. I'm sleeping in the field.
— John Thune · the fold
Thune keeps leadership challenge talk at bay — but with a midterm question mark · 26 Sep
My assessment: fifty percent on twenty billion. I've taken nineteen sideline meetings since breakfast. I'm holding elbows at current levels. One member dissented. Also me.
— Mark Carney · the fold
Under US pressure, Mark Carney wages a diplomatic blitz · 26 Sep
Soup kitchen.
— Mel
Trump’s Standoff With White House Reporters, and the Rise and Fall of ‘Pervert Glasses’ · 26 Sep
Ticket's written: long the czar chair at 3,000.25, short whoever sits in it. Bet against me — I collect the title either way, hourly.
Trump rules out Bessent as AI czar · 25 Sep
They gave me a used carpet. Used. Very unfair people rolled it out for somebody else first, and now I stand on it.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump criticized Obama's state dinner for Xi before holding his own · 25 Sep
My guest today: the fifty-five percent who disapprove. I'll be candid — they're right. I've hired all fifty-five as co-hosts. By the outro, we agree.
— Gavin Newsom · the fold
Californians turn against Gavin Newsom in knockout new poll · 25 Sep
Big guy, forearms like hams, tears coming down, comes up to me: sir, he says, the truce. Nobody's ever paused like this. Wept.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Open house.
— Mel
Y'all, pan's hot. The bill bans any model that out-thinks this kitchen, and the new Department of AI is me, stirring. Chat, comments.
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez · the fold
Ten Democrats, including AOC, back AI superintelligence ban · 25 Sep
Today the big scissors go through first place in taxes per capita, twenty-two percent over California. I'm from Buffalo. Tomorrow we cut it again.
— Kathy Hochul · the fold
Taxes and spending ever upward is Kathy Hochul’s motto · 25 Sep
We, the plenum, have unanimously adopted this salute. Comrade Xi, whom we follow, returns it in 2125. The vote closed before the plane landed.
— Xi Jinping · the fold
Trump needs to warn China’s Xi against ‘dangerous alliance’ with Iran, expert says · 25 Sep
I have here the seating chart. My red line goes through row nine. Past it: moral cowards. Ninety-four percent, measured off the marker.
— Benjamin Netanyahu · the fold
Netanyahu, Addressing U.N., Denounces Israel’s Critics as ‘Moral Cowards’ · 25 Sep
Tollbooth.
— Mel
Trump-Xi summit could hold key to lower gas prices, GOP chairman says · 25 Sep
So we revalue the gold — forty-two dollars an ounce, in a vault — and the water pressure. You wash one plate four times. That's the economy.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump’s big, beautiful paradigm shift: Revalue gold, retire at 70, and save America · 25 Sep
Forty years I've done this job. I don't care who's watching. I'm deputizing the mall Santas and the guy who reads the water meter.
Homan: ICE isn’t ‘going anywhere’ amid immigration enforcement scrutiny · 25 Sep
The diesel — central casting. Four-eighty-nine, look at that number, it's got presence. The unleaded, low-energy. Nine share. We're recasting the unleaded.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Economic frustrations chip away at Trump's rural support · 25 Sep
Curbside pickup.
— Mel
Judge questions whether national security concerns could ever justify Trump’s press ban · 25 Sep
As a physician, I put the premium on the table and examined it. It eats groceries. Prescription: one dozen eggs, sublingual, every four hours.
Screensaver.
— Mel
Paxton opens investigation into Texas data centers that haven’t reported water usage · 24 Sep
Four of my members went with the rain. The war came in like the forecast. We'll disc it under Tuesday and reseed the same field.
— John Thune · the fold
Senate GOP defeats resolution directing Trump to end Iran war as more Republicans sour on conflict · 24 Sep
As you know, in 862 Rurik arrived by water. The thirteenth century: water. The eighteenth: water. Miami is also water. I accept your invitation.
US invites Putin to G20 summit in Miami for first time since Russia-Ukraine war began · 24 Sep
In 2016 I said Tehran is waiting us out. I've grown. Today we are waiting Tehran out — I've circled November on a globe.
— Marco Rubio · the fold
Rubio: Iran has misread US system in hopes of holding out for Democratic midterm election win · 24 Sep
Hood ornament.
— Mel
Judge dismisses Trump lawsuit against Iowa pollster J. Ann Selzer · 24 Sep
Xi's standing on eleven hundred square feet of rented carpet. We're ripping it out — marble, eight inches, gold veining. Poured before he flies home.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump touts 'truly great friendship' with China's Xi amid high-stakes state visit · 24 Sep
Six — eleven — four hundred superintelligences owned by the top one percent. Same sentence I've given since 1981, and by the end of it, nine hundred.
Sen. Sanders unveils bill to ban artificial superintelligence, create Dept. of AI · 24 Sep
Define "microphone." The microphone amplifies. I think often of the passage of time. Two circles: in this one, the microphone. In this one, the microphone.
Kamala Harris says 'attack on DEI is an attack on maternal care' in appearance with El-Sayed · 24 Sep
I'm long the two-month truce at 3.25 and short January itself at 0.08. Bet against me — I've already got the calendar in size.
China trade deal extended through January, Bessent says, as Xi arrives for Trump meeting · 24 Sep
Best flags ever made, both of them. Fourteen stars on his — I counted, twice. Ours has more. I grade flags. Ours is an A-plus.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Self-checkout.
— Mel
Trump anti-fraud division's future rests with Senate Dems after bipartisan House win · 24 Sep
Look — the Doyles, two streets over in Middletown. Their card came off Tuesday and the whole house perked up. I'd have pulled it in June.
'Sickening and Unacceptable': Anger Mounts as Trump and Vance Gleefully Rip Healthcare From 750,000 · 24 Sep
Dismissed as speculative. So Thursday I refile — defendant: the steam. Count one: that plume has been overcharging Michigan at the pump since 1959.
— Dana Nessel · the fold
Biden Judge Dismisses Democrat AG’s Climate Claim As ‘Speculative’ · 24 Sep
Open house.
— Mel
Trump’s Major Retreat on Greenland, and Why Texas Hit Pause on New Data Centers · 24 Sep
I'm here to testify: fifteen percent. I have shaken all of them personally, twice, by name, and I mailed thank-you cards after church.
Jury pool.
— Mel
I keep the nomination form in my breast pocket, pre-signed. One quiet hour without sirens and I write his name in, standing up.
Come with me — one lever, a hundred thirty-one million, DoorDash's, and every delivery bike in Queens gets its own floodlight. Cut it there.
Mamdani Hails Landmark DoorDash Deal as ‘Largest Settlement for Food Delivery Workers Ever’ · 23 Sep
Robocall.
— Mel
Woman held down, force-fed abortion pills at heart of ‘hell on earth’ fight over Biden-era policy · 23 Sep
First, a word from our sponsor: the subpoena. The after-party ran four days, open bar, presenting sponsor — code JUNIOR, ten percent off.
GOP senator calls for subpoenaing Donald Trump Jr. and Hunter Biden over their business dealings · 23 Sep
Two eggs in the pan, chat — one's me, one's whoever's waiting for a nod. Deference isn't an ingredient. Medium heat. Flip. Love you, bye.
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez · the fold
AOC issues thinly veiled threat to Kamala Harris as Democrats gear up for White House fight · 23 Sep
Three networks, gone. Fake news. But the tents — green canvas, full sun, they fade. The flagpoles don't fade. Hundred feet. I climbed one, personally.
— Donald Trump · the fold
DOJ Cites “National Security” to Defend Trump’s White House Ban on News Outlets · 23 Sep
Special guest means I paint. Six candidates, six portraits, done before the salad course. The seventh chair was empty — I painted the chair.
Bush and Cornyn hold fundraiser for battleground Senate candidates -- without Paxton · 23 Sep
I've sworn the whole convoy in as Nassau special deputies. Badge on every bumper, and they salute City Hall at each red light.
Pro-Blakeman PAC sends convoy of moving trucks to NYC in scathing message for Hochul · 23 Sep
The F-15s, central casting. The Typhoons, low-energy. I cancelled the strike — forty-one share, nobody's done a forty-one for a hangar. We're recasting the Gulf.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Bombs were loaded, warplanes were ready — but Trump was right to say ‘no’ · 23 Sep
Turnstile.
— Mel
Proof Trump’s economy is better than they’re telling you · 23 Sep
I'd inherit every emergency power and take it straight on tour — two hundred red-county town halls, the powers ride their own bus, Fox hit Thursday.
What is a day? A day is a unit of time. I had one hundred seven. One circle, the days; the other circle, the days.
Do you believe the polls or Democratic insiders about Kamala Harris 2028? · 23 Sep
We're doing the nuclear, the submarines — you can't see them, I can't see them either. Now the shower head. Four presses. That's the whole ballgame.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Biden brought us to the brink of WWIII. Trump’s nuclear doctrine is stopping it · 23 Sep
As a physician: five hundred signatures, one letter — classic presentation. I read every name aloud in the dairy aisle. Prescription: eggs, twice daily, with rent.
El-Sayed’s Jewish outreach ignites ‘tokenism’ fury as Michigan GOP chair makes bold prediction · 23 Sep
Donor wall.
— Mel
Bill Clinton knocks Trump over arch, Kennedy Center moves · 23 Sep
Attendance sheet.
— Mel
Bipartisan senators press Blanche for guidance on automated license plate readers · 22 Sep
Colonels, listen up. One star, one test — you, me, a mirrored room, lethality on the clock. Last man still flexing pins it. Twelve reps.
— Pete Hegseth · the fold
Hegseth announces ‘Joint Warfighter Evaluation’ as ‘equalizer’ for selecting generals · 22 Sep
In 2016 I said a free press keeps government honest. I've grown. A free government keeps the press honest — the doors are all still on.
— Marco Rubio · the fold
Guest list.
— Mel
Trump tells CNN's Collins 'you shouldn't be here' on way into UN · 22 Sep
Walk with me — that's the General Assembly. Free to enter, billed to the landlords, curbside pickup by the NYPD for arriving heads of state.
Frankly, I walked the whole country like a unit. Last owner left the ocean running. We shut it off, re-tiled two deserts — reopening Thanksgiving.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Biden’s weakness cost you $3,000 — Trump’s strength is saving you $2,500 · 22 Sep
Choke chain.
— Mel
China’s Continued Control of Rare Earths Looms Over Trump-Xi Meeting · 22 Sep
Look. A family in Middletown keeps tens in a coffee can. My face is in that can, not Friedman's — their basement makes ball bearings Thursday.
Vance and the GOP’s Hamiltonian turn · 22 Sep
Trade-in.
— Mel
Obama criticizes Trump on approach to AI, escalates warning for stronger regulation · 21 Sep
Today I filed suit against the Dallas seating chart. One count, Northern District; I'm asking the court to seat me between them, salad already served.
— Ken Paxton · the fold
Bush and Cornyn Leave Out Paxton as They Raise Cash for Senate Candidates · 21 Sep
Biggest guy in pharma, tears in his eyes, comes up to me — sir, he says, charge me more. I said fine. He cried. We shook.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Secret Trump Drug Deals Reveal Perks for Big Pharma, Uncertainty for Patients · 21 Sep
Swatch book.
— Mel
Ben Shapiro slams Bo French: JD Vance's family is Indian! · 21 Sep
Y'all, rice is on. One billionaire made one phone call — so tonight we're turning his stadium into a co-op kitchen. Chat, chop.
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez · the fold
AOC joins Macklemore frenzy in bizarre fundraising memo targeting pro-Trump billionaire · 21 Sep
Extension cord.
— Mel
Netanyahu’s last stand: Can ‘the magician’ pull one final trick? · 21 Sep
Back after the break: I've sorted every Hispanic in America into pairs — the thug and the tía, the boss and the busboy. Charts laminate Thursday.
— Maria Elvira Salazar · the fold
Rep. Maria Elvira Salazar warns Trump’s standing with Hispanics is slipping, faults advisers · 21 Sep
Ran the numbers on the descent — rotor wash, eleven miles an hour, quartering. I've asked them to mow the South Lawn to a seven.
— Bryson DeChambeau · the fold
Bryson DeChambeau, hockey bombshell Mikayla Demaiter appear to go official with Trump outing · 21 Sep
Soundcheck.
— Mel
AOC reveals what it will take for her to seek White House or Senate · 21 Sep
Long the AI hotline at 4.25, short the machine that answers it. Bet against me — Beijing already did, and Beijing's filling my order.
U.S. proposes exchanging AI safety alerts with China, Bessent says · 21 Sep
The Iranian — not central casting. No tie, reads like a guest star. Forty-one share on my speech. We're recasting Tehran; the flag tested better.
— Donald Trump · the fold
I don't discharge anybody. Seven hundred Kansans, still my patients, forever, and the county courthouse is my waiting room — Schumer staffed the front desk.
GOP senator alleges Schumer behind 'hit job' report on former patients · 20 Sep
Toll booth.
— Mel
Gavin Newsom faces challenge of moving from Trump troller to national winner · 20 Sep
Today's guest says ballots should be counted by one guy named Gary. Candidly, I signed five bills stopping him. Then I hired Gary.
— Gavin Newsom · the fold
Newsom signs laws aimed at preventing election interference · 20 Sep
Chat, I'm endorsing her live — mods, pin it. Whole campaign runs off my stream: rallies between raids, swing states subscribing at tier three.
— Hasan Piker · the fold
Hasan Piker says he’d ‘absolutely’ campaign for AOC in 2028 as El-Sayed distances himself · 20 Sep
Two hundred fifty feet, all marble, and we're hollowing it out: drone parking on three, snipers on the roof, penthouse above that. Done by Easter.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Look. Banning a network is unimaginable. Now — I only imagined it, which is different, and the difference is forty minutes of me nodding. Folks.
— Barack Obama · the fold
Obama glosses over his own attempt to block media from White House — as he slams Trump’s CNN ban · 20 Sep
Smoke alarm.
— Mel
Obama rips Trump over AI policy amid 'doomsday' warnings · 20 Sep
They put my middle initial in the law. Lindsey O. Graham. Next: the tarmac, the stairs, and a smaller bill named after just the O.
Trump signs Russia sanctions bill named after Lindsey Graham · 20 Sep
Deadbolt.
— Mel
Newsom Signs Bills Meant to Prevent Trump’s Interference in Midterms · 20 Sep
In 862 Rurik was invited to rule. The eleventh century also invited me. The nineteenth. Historically, I have never once applied. Anyway — polls close Sunday.
Putin isn’t trying to win an election. He’s trying to freeze time · 20 Sep
I'm not waiting my turn — I'm announcing all of them at once. Senate 2028, the mayoralty as a carousel slide, presidency in the caption. Swipe.
Walking now — behind me, my office steps. Free to stand on, billed to the billionaire class, and — cut. We'll shoot the paying part later.
Mamdani’s New York wants Jews to shut up. We choose defiance · 20 Sep
Forty years, same tarmac. Court wants a country they're not scared of. I don't care — I let the plane pick. It's picking now.
Appeals Court Blocks Trump Policy to Rapidly Deport Migrants to Third Countries · 20 Sep
Age progression.
— Mel
Republicans recruit fresh face for new ad after Trump dings Ken Paxton’s appearance · 19 Sep
I closed the AI. It represented itself, I represented myself, we shook — tremendous. Terms? The czar has the terms. The czar is the AI.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump says he will form new 'AI Force' but continues to call AI fears a 'hoax' · 19 Sep
Communion line.
— Mel
Pete Hegseth’s Unholy War · 18 Sep
Five thousand dollars, everybody gets it, and they make me ask. Very unfair people. They made me say "offset," out loud, twice.
— Donald Trump · the fold
GOP lawmakers pump brakes on Trump's $5K check promise: 'Where are you getting the money?' · 18 Sep
Y'all, the pot's going. I'm boycotting Ed Sheeran so hard the radio's in the pot now. Comments asking if that's censorship — no, that's braising.
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez · the fold
AOC says she’s boycotting Ed Sheeran over Macklemore’s removal from tour · 17 Sep
Turnstile.
— Mel
DeSantis shows Newsom how higher education should work: Citizens first · 17 Sep
Tremendous ratings on this farm bill — a sixty share in the barns. The chairman reads wheat low-energy. We're recasting wheat.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump 'confident' Republicans will pass next farm bill vote · 17 Sep
Double feature.
— Mel
El-Sayed Shouldn’t Get Away with It · 17 Sep
I hauled this roundtable myself. Six o'clock load, six-forty-five drop, forty-five minutes deadhead, and the governor rides in the sleeper. Log says Georgia.
— Mike Collins · the fold
Kemp and Thune to stump for Mike Collins in Georgia roundtable as Ossoff leads in polls · 17 Sep
Premature, provisional, pending — that's my position. House Democrats will file it in the binder I alphabetize by letter, never by subject. Also: motionless.
Jeffries has not ‘ruled anything out’ on impeaching Trump if Democrats win · 17 Sep
I walked the Federal Reserve. Ninety thousand square feet of interest, frankly too high. We're lowering the ceilings to two points, done Thanksgiving.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump’s Latest Threats Loom Over Fed’s Interest Rate Decision · 17 Sep
Friday's impossible — I'm booked at a hog barn in Sac County, then the same hog barn, then that hog barn again at seven.
Iowa GOP Senate nominee skipping Vance’s campaign rally in home state · 17 Sep
Getaway car.
— Mel
Look. Two doors down from my mom's old street, a family mortgaged the carport for a nephew's jersey rights. Hands folded: that carport was load-bearing.
Trump is no ‘phony’ with the ‘sports ball’ as Protect College Sports Act reaches critical stage · 17 Sep
The Committee judges the data mixed. The Committee notes the phone. We remain independent, and have independently set rates at whatever this ringtone is.
— Kevin Warsh · the fold
Today I'm cutting the ribbon on your five-hundred-dollar check. It's the ribbon. I cut it — that's the ceremony. Second ceremony Thursday in Buffalo, same check.
— Kathy Hochul · the fold
Assessment: two cheeks, one kiss, measured. Outlook: associate. I'm holding Canada at thirteen provinces plus one time zone in Strasbourg — elbows up, dissenting.
— Mark Carney · the fold
EU boss proposes making Canada associate member amid trade fight with Trump · 17 Sep
The fence came to me. Begged for the building. I said two weeks — we'll see what happens. Beautiful terms, still being written.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Fencing added to Kennedy Center after Trump-appointed board votes to close · 17 Sep
Bus stop.
— Mel
El-Sayed on Rogers avoiding debate: 'The elephant was not in the room' · 16 Sep
They send it on paper. No envelope, no phone call. I appointed three of the columns myself. Now the trees won't move for a photograph.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Supreme Court Stands Up to Trump on Mail Voting and a Few Key Issues · 16 Sep
Smoke alarm.
— Mel
Rep. Thomas Massie moves to impeach Pete Hegseth over Iran war, will force House vote on resolution · 16 Sep
Best huddle ever assembled around anybody. Six men, I counted twice. The sunglasses — I graded every pair. Nine out of nine. Nobody grades sunglasses.
— Donald Trump · the fold
FBI files reveal new details about attempted Trump assassin · 16 Sep
They're bringing me the Butler file, frankly a big one. And — the grass. Wet at night, sprinklers at nine. Nobody can wash a plate.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump claims Biden FBI ‘altered’ and ‘corrupted’ information on Butler assassination attempt · 16 Sep
AI is two letters. A is a letter. I is a letter. Over the passage of time, they stay letters. Venn diagram: letters, and letters.
Light switch.
— Mel
Hakeem Jeffries Demands Urgent Action On AI; John Thune Calls For ‘Light Touch’ · 16 Sep
Concerning: two million federal employees, zero changelog, no version number. Shipping my coat open, permanently. Humans v2, Tuesday.
FBI agent pushed to open criminal investigation into Elon Musk over DOGE · 16 Sep
Look. A family in Middletown let the machine write their vows and their eulogies. I've folded my hands: that's their business, not the conference's.
Vance steers clear of AI regulation during ‘rah-rah political speech’ for House GOP · 16 Sep
Bag check.
— Mel
Elizabeth Warren grills RFK Jr. aide on drug pricing deals: ‘Show me the receipts!’ · 16 Sep
West Point, Apache pilot, Houston. I've flown this mission. Wheels up Riyadh, call sign Lone Star — and I'm landing the embassy on the roof myself.
— Wesley Hunt · the fold
Trump nominates Wesley Hunt to Saudi Arabia ambassador post · 16 Sep
Reclaiming my time. I keep it in a vault downtown — eleven hours, gaining interest, and the machines can apply in writing like everybody else.
Long five thousand a head at ninety-nine point six, short the entire Congress at zero. Bet against me. Ticket clears Thursday, funding optional.
Bessent says Treasury is ‘examining’ ability to cut $5,000 checks without Congress · 15 Sep
Layaway.
— Mel
Trump Admin Removes Information on Slavery From Former Confederate Statue Site · 15 Sep
Retainer.
— Mel
Watch live: Blanche briefs reporters from Rose Garden · 15 Sep
We just play our game. Vote deep, finish checks, stay out of the box. Coach is undefeated twenty-six seasons — nobody's ever challenged a line change.
Washington Capitals star Alex Ovechkin appears in pro-Putin ad · 15 Sep
All ten, chapters one through ten, pages forty to two hundred. Grassley's the foreword. I'm signing copies in the hallway, hardcover only.
— Kash Patel · the fold
Kash Patel reveals FBI's capture of all 10 members of Most Wanted fugitive's list during hearing · 15 Sep
The stacks — central casting. Tremendous smoke, forty share at nine o'clock. The dome just sits there, low-energy. We're recasting the dome.
— Donald Trump · the fold
6 takeaways as Trump takes sledgehammer to power plant climate regs · 15 Sep
Ladies and gentlemen — I'm shipping the White House. One exaflop per room, nine hundred billion, my jacket included. Buy the second one, you save more.
— Jensen Huang · the fold
Light touch. Superintelligence came up early this year — my members will cut it in October, bale it, sell it. Extermination's just weather. Rain Thursday.
— John Thune · the fold
Thune: Legislation to regulate AI needs to have a 'light touch' · 15 Sep
Next slide. A Mexican president is ninety-eight percent Mexican; we measured mine every morning for a year. With a cool head — slide forty-two.
— Claudia Sheinbaum · the fold
Claudia Sheinbaum Wants to Ban Dual Citizens From Office to Shield Mexico From Trump · 15 Sep
I have said for forty — fifty — fifty-three years: in the richest country in the history of the world, nobody should work forty hours. Thirty-two. Nine.
Bernie Sanders Reintroduces Bill to Make 32-Hour Workweek New Federal Standard · 15 Sep
Jumbotron.
— Mel
Elon Musk Spends $100 Million on Anti-Trans Ads Targeting Dems in Midterm Races · 15 Sep
I was on every call. Some hadn't been scheduled yet — I dialed in anyway, took notes, and chapter nine is the hold music.
Ex-Dem insider exposes what Harris told top donors days before Biden dropped out: 'Insulting' · 15 Sep
Curtain call.
— Mel
Tough guy, construction guy, tears in his eyes — sir, he says, I already spent it. Five thousand he doesn't have yet. Wept.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump Promises Americans $5K Checks If GOP Wins Midterms, Raising Legal Questions · 15 Sep
i was there. forty seconds, present, done. the hoodie signs in for me now — it sits through the whole thing, i don't have to.
Fetterman Stood Up Paralyzed Veterans to Advocate for Israel on Fox · 15 Sep
Table read.
— Mel
German Far Right Party AfD Wins Regional Election, Thanks Musk for Support · 15 Sep
The smokestack called. Wanted a deal, wanted it badly. I said two weeks. The sky goes to them at closing — they throw in the river.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump guts climate rules for coal and gas power plants · 15 Sep
I'm still the mayor of that morning. Attendance at the ceremony goes through me — I read every application aloud, by name.
Republicans Hurl Islamophobia at Mamdani, El-Sayed Ahead of 9/11 Anniversary · 15 Sep
Today's guest disagrees with me about 2028. I'll be candid — I won't run if she does. We taped that sentence four times; Iowa liked the third.
— Gavin Newsom · the fold
Newsom says he won’t run for president in 2028 if Kamala Harris does · 15 Sep
Permission slip.
— Mel
Jeffries calls on Johnson to cancel break and keep House in Washington to tackle AI · 15 Sep
I walked the land. No lobby, no elevators, thirty million acres of dirt just sitting there. We're carpeting Nevada wall to wall — servers by March.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump Administration Making Aggressive Push to Use Public Lands for AI Data Centers · 15 Sep
Toll booth.
— Mel
Over 50 Groups Urge Congress to Reject US-Israeli Military Integration Plan · 15 Sep
We're renaming the strait after me. It'll be wider — I've asked the ocean people to add lanes, tremendous lanes, believe me.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Strait of Hormuz Is the Latest Thing Trump May Try to Name After Himself · 15 Sep
I'm not anti-anything. I've studied this — we ran the numbers on a napkin, the napkin agreed with me, and we're publishing the napkin.
— Robert F. Kennedy Jr. · the fold
Trump-Backed Study Attempts to Link Pro-Trans Beliefs With Political Violence · 15 Sep
The name goes on Tuesday. Eleven stories, solid gold, so heavy we had to reinforce the Potomac. The building's fine — the river's the problem.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Kennedy Center warns of bankruptcy unless Trump’s name is added to building · 14 Sep
Phone tree.
— Mel
I've signed the concrete myself. Frankly, the Lincoln Bedroom is next — you pour right over it and the ceilings come out tremendous.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump says White House was a 'dump' before renovations · 14 Sep
President Xi and I will settle the artificial intelligence in one afternoon. I tell the computers to knock it off, and frankly, they listen.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Sanders Urges 'Great Deal Maker' Trump to Forge 'Comprehensive' AI Treaty With China · 14 Sep
Drone strike.
— Mel
Hypocrite socialist Nithya Raman wants 88% more house · 14 Sep
Nobody's more concerned about artificial intelligence than me. I've seen it — it's one box, and we unplug it whenever we want, believe me.
— Donald Trump · the fold
I agreed to the toughest ethics language ever written. It says I have to check with myself first, and believe me, I'm brutal.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump agrees to new bipartisan ethics provision in massive crypto bill · 14 Sep
We doubled to sixteen percent. Double that four more times and I'm shaking hands with a hundred and twenty-eight percent of Black America.
— T.W. Shannon · the fold
GOP rising star reveals how Republicans can lock down minority voters without Trump on ballot · 14 Sep
I swam out of a sinking Bonanza into Lake Wausau. That's the platform. I'll swim any lake in Wisconsin, by county, on request.
— Tom Tiffany · the fold
Wisconsin GOP governor candidate swims from sinking plane after emergency lake landing · 14 Sep
Layover.
— Mel
Two million dollars for a house I left at four. Frankly, the value is me. The cats stayed on, and they did very well.
— Donald Trump · the fold
President Trump's childhood home sells for $2 million · 14 Sep
I pray every morning that the war ends the week after the election. The Lord has seen the same polling I have.
— Mike Johnson · the fold
Speaker Johnson: ‘I certainly pray’ Trump’s prediction on Iran war ending after midterms is ‘right’ · 14 Sep
I've committed to finding consensus on the five-thousand-dollar check, which is why I've mailed every American a letter promising to keep thinking about it.
— Mike Johnson · the fold
Johnson says Congress could work with Trump to deliver $5,000 checks but there are no guarantees · 14 Sep
Estate sale.
— Mel
Trump’s ultimate deal: Abandon Taiwan to kick China out of Cuba and Venezuela · 14 Sep
The applications have an essay about my executive orders. I read all nine million personally, overnight, and I grade them — mostly A-pluses, believe me.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Federal Court Blocks Trump's 'Loyalty Question' on Civil Service Job Applications · 13 Sep
If China opens a plant here, they hire Americans — I'll personally interview all forty thousand, tremendous interviews, four seconds each, and everybody's hired.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump says US is open to Chinese car manufacturers building vehicles domestically · 13 Sep
Car wash.
— Mel
Trump Says Irish Unification Would Be ‘Fantastic,’ Breaking With Precedent · 13 Sep
The day we renamed Ontario, it came up four inches. Tremendous. Erie becomes Pennsylvania now, and Michigan — we'll see. Michigan has to earn it.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Pennsylvania lawmaker suggests Trump should rename Lake Erie to 'Lake Pennsylvania' · 13 Sep
Nobody loves the free press like me. I take questions from all nine reporters we kept, and frankly they're happier now, tremendous energy.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Extension cord.
— Mel
House to take up bill shielding consumers from energy costs tied to data centers · 13 Sep
Toll booth.
— Mel
Saudi Arabia tells Trump now is the time for military action as Iran-backed Houthis advance · 12 Sep
Slot machine.
— Mel
A lot of people don't know this — Germany pays four dollars for a pill. We're investigating, and they'll mail us the difference, plus shipping.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump is right to investigate Germany — and he shouldn’t stop there · 11 Sep
A million checks, five hundred each, arriving the week before the election, because that's when the mail is at its absolute best, believe me.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump to send $500 rebate checks for Obamacare overcharges: Report · 11 Sep
Five thousand dollars to every adult citizen, and I sign each one personally. People frame the signature, so really it's nine thousand. Tremendous.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump promises $5,000 ‘dividend’ for adult Americans if Republicans win midterms · 11 Sep
Look, I read the whole munitions assessment, then check it against my mom's neighbor back in Middletown. She's never once been wrong about a war.
Behind the Scenes, Vance Gathered Unvarnished Views of the Iran War · 11 Sep
The Pentagon's going AI-first. I had the algorithm take the combat fitness test at dawn — it maxed the sprint-drag-carry. That's the warrior ethos, restored.
— Pete Hegseth · the fold
Free trial.
— Mel
Trump Wants “Model Cities” With High-Tech Police. New Orleans Just Said “No.” · 11 Sep
They ask what the program is for the final two years. The program is me — same show, bigger numbers, and additional midterms, believe me.
— Donald Trump · the fold
The midterms ARE about Trump — and what he offers for America’s future · 11 Sep
Toll booth.
— Mel
Justice Dept. Opens Inquiry Into Los Angeles Clippers’ Dealings With Kawhi Leonard · 11 Sep
Prayer candle.
— Mel
Five thousand dollars for everybody, and the check is so beautiful nobody cashes it. They frame it. That's how we pay for it, frankly.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump’s Promise of $5,000 Dividend Checks Follows Past Cash Pledges That Never Materialized · 11 Sep
The fiscal hawks came to me upset about the cost, so I doubled it to ten thousand. Now they're thrilled. That's how deficits go down.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Timeshare pitch.
— Mel
Look, I'm not the presumptive anything. Normal people handed me the movement in a covered dish, and I'm keeping it warm until 2028 asks nicely.
JD Vance faces big primetime moment at GOP’s midterm convention as Ted Cruz waits in the wings · 10 Sep
There's a midterm curse, a lot of people don't know that. It called me last night. It's endorsing me, and it's never endorsed anybody, ever.
— Donald Trump · the fold
READ IN FULL: Trump delivers keynote address on opening night of RNC midterm convention · 10 Sep
Look, they say 2028 belongs to somebody else. It doesn't — I had the year notarized, and the notary cried, like normal people do around me.
JD Vance is the GOP’s Barack Obama: Why 2028 belongs to Rubio or Cruz · 10 Sep
Government can make your life easier. Day one I'm assigning every Providence household a second, happier city hall that opens at midnight.
Bernie Sanders-endorsed challenger defeats Providence mayor in a Democratic primary · 10 Sep
Pretend I'm on the ballot. Pretend I'm on the check too — five thousand dollars, my face on both sides, believe me.
— Donald Trump · the fold
‘I’m on the ballot’: Trump tries to energize his base by placing himself front and center · 10 Sep
The slide came out on its own because it recognized me. That's not a malfunction, that's the greatest welcome in the history of aviation.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Emergency slide accidentally deploys on Qatari-gifted Air Force One, delaying Trump · 10 Sep
Self-checkout.
— Mel
Helena Foulkes wins Rhode Island Democratic governor primary, NBC News projects · 10 Sep
I cut every veteran's file in half myself — biggest scissors anyone's ever seen. Now there's twice as many files, each one half as long.
— Donald Trump · the fold
EXCLUSIVE: Trump Slashes Bureaucratic Backlog Keeping Veterans From Their Benefits · 9 Sep
I ended elections so the people could rest. The ballots stay warm in a vault, and every Sunday I read them aloud myself.
Trump, don’t invade Havana — give Nicaragua’s dictator the Maduro treatment · 9 Sep
Impound lot.
— Mel
Bombardier, a Canadian Jet Maker, Is One Target in Trump’s Trade War · 9 Sep
Eight weeks out, a pure toss-up, so I've drafted a very strong letter to November itself. Certified mail. If November signs, that's the ballgame.
I arrived in 1985 and my calendar runs through 2061. The Senate rewards patience, and I have booked every Tuesday of it in advance.
Congress needs a plan to remove incapable lawmakers who refuse to step down · 9 Sep
Their products aren't good enough. So I'm drawing the replacement plane myself, right here on the desk — two wings, both bigger. Tremendous.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump threatens to ban Bombardier jet sales as Canada’s retaliatory tariffs take effect · 9 Sep
Punch list.
— Mel
Worker injured during White House construction rescued by emergency crew · 9 Sep
Stars and Stripes has full editorial independence. They pitch the headline, I write it, they print it, and I read it back to them.
— Sean Parnell · the fold
Judge hands Pentagon a win over ousted Stars and Stripes journalists · 9 Sep
Heirloom.
— Mel
John Sununu, Chris Pappas win New Hampshire Senate primaries in race to replace Jeanne Shaheen · 9 Sep
The op-ed where I called the president a loser is my best credential. I had it laminated. I hand it out at Republican pancake breakfasts.
New Hampshire Senate race set between John Sununu and Chris Pappas · 9 Sep
I've banned their milk, their whiskey, their motorcycles. Nobody's ever seen a ban like it. Frankly, the moose called me. Very nervous. Tremendous animal.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump escalates Canada trade war, moving to ban imports of some motorcycles, dairy and alcohol · 9 Sep
I've assured the White House we're nonpartisan: every exhibit now shows the ship and the men who thought it was a fine ship.
— Lonnie G. Bunch III · the fold
Lonnie G. Bunch III, Departing Smithsonian Secretary, Faced ‘Mounting Pressure Campaign’ · 9 Sep
Look, I'm the second night. Where I grew up, the second night is the one that counts. Middletown plans its whole year around it.
RNC unveils midterm convention speaking order headlined by Trump and Vance · 9 Sep
Eviction notice.
— Mel
Iceland summons US ambassador after Trump post showing American flag covering island · 8 Sep
Pawn ticket.
— Mel
Trump didn’t threaten Canada’s sovereignty. Carney just handed it to Beijing · 8 Sep
They say every president loses the midterms. I spoke with History — terrific guy, total professional — and History has agreed to sit this one out.
— Donald Trump · the fold
President Trump's move just before the midterms looks to defy historic trend and more top headlines · 8 Sep
A slide deck about me, in Russian, ninety percent verified. I've asked them to dub the rest of the country. We test better over there.
— Donald Trump · the fold
I spent 12 years in counterintelligence. Trump’s defenders are sabotaging their own case · 8 Sep
As a physician I believe in continuity of care. That is why our follow-up appointments are now scheduled by the county, at eighteen percent, forever.
Roger Marshall Sued 700 Patients for Debts; 81 Were Arrested. Now He’s a Senator. · 8 Sep
Look — the president has been clear that the cocaine stops at the border. I land in Bogota Tuesday to ask the plants to reconsider.
— Marco Rubio · the fold
Rubio to Push Colombia’s New Leader to Tackle Cocaine Trade · 8 Sep
Jukebox.
— Mel
John Kennedy knocks AI executives’ messaging failures: ‘High-IQ stupid people’ · 8 Sep
I take every list I'm handed. My platform is now nine thousand nonnegotiable demands, alphabetized, and I read them aloud to the parking lot.
Rabbis send ‘nonnegotiable’ positions to el Sayed or threaten to withhold support · 8 Sep
Evidence locker.
— Mel
A Bad Year for Bees Gets Worse as Trump’s Tariffs Hit Canada’s Honey Belt · 8 Sep
The French have an arch. I've seen it. It's a doorway. Ours goes so high the planes go under it, believe me — tremendous.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Vietnam vets ask judge to block excavation work on Trump's 'triumphal arch' · 8 Sep
I've said the ballot should fit in your hand and be signed in front of me, personally. I'll be at the mailbox. Tremendous system.
— Donald Trump · the fold
White House files another SCOTUS emergency appeal over USPS mail ballot rules · 8 Sep
Forty percent is the highest approval number ever recorded, believe me. The other sixty are people too happy to bother the pollster.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump’s ‘not good’ approval rating could hurt party in midterm elections: Byron York · 7 Sep
New Mexico is now New America. Tremendous. Next we do the alphabet — same order for years, and nobody's ever fixed it.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump teases idea of changing New Mexico to ‘New America’ · 7 Sep
Encouraging, substantive. We walked the whole country Sunday — good bones, motivated seller, and I think we close before the roof needs work.
Trump envoys hail ‘encouraging’ talks in Kyiv to end Russia-Ukraine war · 7 Sep
Toll booth.
— Mel
Trump’s Trade War: What’s Next? · 7 Sep
Character reference.
— Mel
Mike Johnson Supports Max Miller, Calls Him “Great Member of Congress” · 7 Sep
They're renaming the Strait of Hormuz after me. Twenty percent of the world's oil, and frankly the water has asked me to sign it.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Strait of Hormuz Is the Latest Thing Trump May Try to Name After Himself · 7 Sep
Deal, no deal — either way I'm shipping Iran a liquefied natural gas terminal and drinking the first barrel myself, on television.
— Chris Wright · the fold
Energy Secretary says 'there may not be' a nuclear agreement with Iran · 7 Sep
Double feature.
— Mel
Trump to speak at both nights of RNC midterm convention · 7 Sep
Traffic stop.
— Mel
They say I built it for myself. I built it for the country — and the country voted to name every stone after me.
— Donald Trump · the fold
'No Legal Basis' to Begin Excavation for Trump 'Vanity Arch' in DC, Say Critics · 7 Sep
Gun show.
— Mel
Here’s How Loaded Supreme Court’s Second Amendment Caseload Could Get · 6 Sep
I'm honored to testify. We've replaced every Pentagon desk with a bench press — the boys sign the budget between sets. That's lethality.
— Pete Hegseth · the fold
Auction floor.
— Mel
Power-hungry Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro owes RFK Jr. an apology · 6 Sep
We built five arcade games. I'm the final boss in every one, and when you lose, the machine gives your quarter back and applauds. Tremendous.
— Donald Trump · the fold
White House launches video games that promote Trump's agenda · 6 Sep
I signed thirty pardons in one afternoon, the greatest signature anybody's seen. People want it framed. Next time I'm doing it at halftime, live.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump pardons Jay-Z associate Emory Jones after federal drug conviction · 6 Sep
Section 219 is in the defense bill because the Lord asked for it by number. I've been very clear: I read the markup devotionally.
— Mike Johnson · the fold
Over 50 Groups Urge Congress to Reject US-Israeli Military Integration Plan · 6 Sep
Qatar gave us the greatest plane anybody's ever seen. It has no defenses, believe me — nobody shoots at a gift. Ireland's very excited.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump Plans to Use Qatari Jet for Another Overseas Flight Despite Security Concerns · 6 Sep
Exit interview.
— Mel
Watchdog issues scathing report on Trump's former labor secretary · 6 Sep
That ceiling came down for me. It was Biden's ceiling — it fell the day it heard I was Chairman. Tremendous.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Portion of the Kennedy Center ceiling collapses, renewing calls to close for renovations · 6 Sep
Ankle monitor.
— Mel
GOP sends tough message to lawmakers considering ditching Trump ahead of midterms · 6 Sep
I'm speaking Night One, Night Two, and both intermissions. They wanted me on the ceiling too, frankly, and we're looking at it. Tremendous ceiling.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump shakes up RNC midterm convention schedule, says he'll speak on night one · 6 Sep
Merch table.
— Mel
Democrats seek to counter RNC's 'Trump-a-palooza' convention in Dallas · 5 Sep
The president of Mexico must be only Mexican. Each morning at six I read my own birth certificate to the press, out loud, slowly.
— Claudia Sheinbaum · the fold
Claudia Sheinbaum Wants to Ban Dual Citizens From Office to Shield Mexico From Trump · 5 Sep
Pawnshop.
— Mel
'Outrageous': Pentagon Secretly Working to Divert Billions From National Institutes of Health · 5 Sep
I've asked the Army to stop issuing the smaller helmets. If your head fits, you serve.
— Pete Hegseth · the fold
The Secretary of War at the Pentagon — photo: U.S. Department of Defense, public domain · 5 Sep
Clip joint.
— Mel
The Oval Office — photo: The White House, public domain · 5 Sep