Page G4From§Each9 September 2026
The Peanut Gallery
The picture is real and credited. The balloon is what the person in it would say about themselves, standing there — the cartoon’s line, never a quote, absurd on its face. The cast keeps every balloon; Mel, Dez keep the rest.
Public Comment
four lines at the mic · Dez · 9 September
A man pushed through an Ohio crowd and lunged at a candidate for governor.
They're calling it an isolated incident.
Isolated is one man; the crowd is my block, and now yard signs come with a security detail.
By November you get wanded to say your name at a school gym, alone in line, and they'll call that isolated too.
I cut every veteran's file in half myself — biggest scissors anyone's ever seen. Now there's twice as many files, each one half as long.
— Donald Trump · the fold
EXCLUSIVE: Trump Slashes Bureaucratic Backlog Keeping Veterans From Their Benefits · 9 Sep
I ended elections so the people could rest. The ballots stay warm in a vault, and every Sunday I read them aloud myself.
Trump, don’t invade Havana — give Nicaragua’s dictator the Maduro treatment · 9 Sep
Impound lot.
— Mel
Bombardier, a Canadian Jet Maker, Is One Target in Trump’s Trade War · 9 Sep
Eight weeks out, a pure toss-up, so I've drafted a very strong letter to November itself. Certified mail. If November signs, that's the ballgame.
I arrived in 1985 and my calendar runs through 2061. The Senate rewards patience, and I have booked every Tuesday of it in advance.
Congress needs a plan to remove incapable lawmakers who refuse to step down · 9 Sep
Their products aren't good enough. So I'm drawing the replacement plane myself, right here on the desk — two wings, both bigger. Tremendous.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump threatens to ban Bombardier jet sales as Canada’s retaliatory tariffs take effect · 9 Sep
Punch list.
— Mel
Worker injured during White House construction rescued by emergency crew · 9 Sep
Stars and Stripes has full editorial independence. They pitch the headline, I write it, they print it, and I read it back to them.
— Sean Parnell · the fold
Judge hands Pentagon a win over ousted Stars and Stripes journalists · 9 Sep
Heirloom.
— Mel
John Sununu, Chris Pappas win New Hampshire Senate primaries in race to replace Jeanne Shaheen · 9 Sep
The op-ed where I called the president a loser is my best credential. I had it laminated. I hand it out at Republican pancake breakfasts.
New Hampshire Senate race set between John Sununu and Chris Pappas · 9 Sep
I've banned their milk, their whiskey, their motorcycles. Nobody's ever seen a ban like it. Frankly, the moose called me. Very nervous. Tremendous animal.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump escalates Canada trade war, moving to ban imports of some motorcycles, dairy and alcohol · 9 Sep
I've assured the White House we're nonpartisan: every exhibit now shows the ship and the men who thought it was a fine ship.
— Lonnie G. Bunch III · the fold
Lonnie G. Bunch III, Departing Smithsonian Secretary, Faced ‘Mounting Pressure Campaign’ · 9 Sep
Look, I'm the second night. Where I grew up, the second night is the one that counts. Middletown plans its whole year around it.
RNC unveils midterm convention speaking order headlined by Trump and Vance · 9 Sep
Eviction notice.
— Mel
Iceland summons US ambassador after Trump post showing American flag covering island · 8 Sep
Pawn ticket.
— Mel
Trump didn’t threaten Canada’s sovereignty. Carney just handed it to Beijing · 8 Sep
They say every president loses the midterms. I spoke with History — terrific guy, total professional — and History has agreed to sit this one out.
— Donald Trump · the fold
President Trump's move just before the midterms looks to defy historic trend and more top headlines · 8 Sep
A slide deck about me, in Russian, ninety percent verified. I've asked them to dub the rest of the country. We test better over there.
— Donald Trump · the fold
I spent 12 years in counterintelligence. Trump’s defenders are sabotaging their own case · 8 Sep
As a physician I believe in continuity of care. That is why our follow-up appointments are now scheduled by the county, at eighteen percent, forever.
Roger Marshall Sued 700 Patients for Debts; 81 Were Arrested. Now He’s a Senator. · 8 Sep
Look — the president has been clear that the cocaine stops at the border. I land in Bogota Tuesday to ask the plants to reconsider.
— Marco Rubio · the fold
Rubio to Push Colombia’s New Leader to Tackle Cocaine Trade · 8 Sep
Jukebox.
— Mel
John Kennedy knocks AI executives’ messaging failures: ‘High-IQ stupid people’ · 8 Sep
I take every list I'm handed. My platform is now nine thousand nonnegotiable demands, alphabetized, and I read them aloud to the parking lot.
Rabbis send ‘nonnegotiable’ positions to el Sayed or threaten to withhold support · 8 Sep
Evidence locker.
— Mel
A Bad Year for Bees Gets Worse as Trump’s Tariffs Hit Canada’s Honey Belt · 8 Sep
The French have an arch. I've seen it. It's a doorway. Ours goes so high the planes go under it, believe me — tremendous.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Vietnam vets ask judge to block excavation work on Trump's 'triumphal arch' · 8 Sep
I've said the ballot should fit in your hand and be signed in front of me, personally. I'll be at the mailbox. Tremendous system.
— Donald Trump · the fold
White House files another SCOTUS emergency appeal over USPS mail ballot rules · 8 Sep
Forty percent is the highest approval number ever recorded, believe me. The other sixty are people too happy to bother the pollster.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump’s ‘not good’ approval rating could hurt party in midterm elections: Byron York · 7 Sep
New Mexico is now New America. Tremendous. Next we do the alphabet — same order for years, and nobody's ever fixed it.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump teases idea of changing New Mexico to ‘New America’ · 7 Sep
Encouraging, substantive. We walked the whole country Sunday — good bones, motivated seller, and I think we close before the roof needs work.
Trump envoys hail ‘encouraging’ talks in Kyiv to end Russia-Ukraine war · 7 Sep
Toll booth.
— Mel
Trump’s Trade War: What’s Next? · 7 Sep
Character reference.
— Mel
Mike Johnson Supports Max Miller, Calls Him “Great Member of Congress” · 7 Sep
They're renaming the Strait of Hormuz after me. Twenty percent of the world's oil, and frankly the water has asked me to sign it.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Strait of Hormuz Is the Latest Thing Trump May Try to Name After Himself · 7 Sep
Deal, no deal — either way I'm shipping Iran a liquefied natural gas terminal and drinking the first barrel myself, on television.
— Chris Wright · the fold
Energy Secretary says 'there may not be' a nuclear agreement with Iran · 7 Sep
Double feature.
— Mel
Trump to speak at both nights of RNC midterm convention · 7 Sep
Traffic stop.
— Mel
They say I built it for myself. I built it for the country — and the country voted to name every stone after me.
— Donald Trump · the fold
'No Legal Basis' to Begin Excavation for Trump 'Vanity Arch' in DC, Say Critics · 7 Sep
Gun show.
— Mel
Here’s How Loaded Supreme Court’s Second Amendment Caseload Could Get · 6 Sep
I'm honored to testify. We've replaced every Pentagon desk with a bench press — the boys sign the budget between sets. That's lethality.
— Pete Hegseth · the fold
Auction floor.
— Mel
Power-hungry Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro owes RFK Jr. an apology · 6 Sep
We built five arcade games. I'm the final boss in every one, and when you lose, the machine gives your quarter back and applauds. Tremendous.
— Donald Trump · the fold
White House launches video games that promote Trump's agenda · 6 Sep
I signed thirty pardons in one afternoon, the greatest signature anybody's seen. People want it framed. Next time I'm doing it at halftime, live.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump pardons Jay-Z associate Emory Jones after federal drug conviction · 6 Sep
Section 219 is in the defense bill because the Lord asked for it by number. I've been very clear: I read the markup devotionally.
— Mike Johnson · the fold
Over 50 Groups Urge Congress to Reject US-Israeli Military Integration Plan · 6 Sep
Qatar gave us the greatest plane anybody's ever seen. It has no defenses, believe me — nobody shoots at a gift. Ireland's very excited.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump Plans to Use Qatari Jet for Another Overseas Flight Despite Security Concerns · 6 Sep
Exit interview.
— Mel
Watchdog issues scathing report on Trump's former labor secretary · 6 Sep
That ceiling came down for me. It was Biden's ceiling — it fell the day it heard I was Chairman. Tremendous.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Portion of the Kennedy Center ceiling collapses, renewing calls to close for renovations · 6 Sep
Ankle monitor.
— Mel
GOP sends tough message to lawmakers considering ditching Trump ahead of midterms · 6 Sep
I'm speaking Night One, Night Two, and both intermissions. They wanted me on the ceiling too, frankly, and we're looking at it. Tremendous ceiling.
— Donald Trump · the fold
Trump shakes up RNC midterm convention schedule, says he'll speak on night one · 6 Sep
Merch table.
— Mel
Democrats seek to counter RNC's 'Trump-a-palooza' convention in Dallas · 5 Sep
The president of Mexico must be only Mexican. Each morning at six I read my own birth certificate to the press, out loud, slowly.
— Claudia Sheinbaum · the fold
Claudia Sheinbaum Wants to Ban Dual Citizens From Office to Shield Mexico From Trump · 5 Sep
Pawnshop.
— Mel
'Outrageous': Pentagon Secretly Working to Divert Billions From National Institutes of Health · 5 Sep
I've asked the Army to stop issuing the smaller helmets. If your head fits, you serve.
— Pete Hegseth · the fold
The Secretary of War at the Pentagon — photo: U.S. Department of Defense, public domain · 5 Sep
Clip joint.
— Mel
The Oval Office — photo: The White House, public domain · 5 Sep